Help! My Big Face won't stop growing!
If you're browsing this website, then obviously you're interested in the possibility of having a Big Face. Maybe you've worked hard to achieve Bigfacedness, or maybe you were one of the lucky ones who popped out of the womb with a fully formed massive face. Your poor mother! If you've always had a big face, you don't need to read this section. However - if you're currently undergoing an exercise regime to increase the size of your face, then read on. There now follows a harrowing warning of what can happen if your pursuit of Big Faced perfection goes too far.
Case Study: John McCririck Through a strictly regimented exercise routine, along with a few unorthodox methods (which certainly are not medically approved), horse pundit John McCririck managed to start the process of facial growth. Week by agonising week, millimeters were added to his facial dimensions. It was barely noticable at first, but if you happened to tune into Channel 4 Racing in May 2004, and then again in August, you would have been forgiven for thinking your TV was set to the wrong aspect ratio! Such was his gain in face size!
Faceache The first sign for John that something had gone amiss with his regime was when his regular morning exercises were impossible due to the pain he was in. "I'd been using an illegal jaw clamp to stretch my face, and I got impatient and ramped it up to maximum pull" explains the man himself. "Then, before I knew it, I was in the middle of a particularly exciting interview with Frankie Dettori, and my jaw just locked open!"
John was stuck like this for months
'Face' the Facts, John! Due to his overambitious - and dangerous - exercises, John's face had started to expand faster than his skull could cope with! If this, or anything similar, happens to you, for God's sake stop any facial enhancement program you may be on and consult a doctor! John's getting back to normal now, but he still looks like an utter prick in photos due to his mouth lolling open like that.
You look ridiculous anyway "I got sick of the barman in my local asking 'Why the long face?'" wails John. I thought a long face was something to be attained - at any cost. From now on, I'm just going to be happy with fat cheeks." Fat cheeks, like a greedy hamster with sideburns might have.
Case Study: John McCririck Through a strictly regimented exercise routine, along with a few unorthodox methods (which certainly are not medically approved), horse pundit John McCririck managed to start the process of facial growth. Week by agonising week, millimeters were added to his facial dimensions. It was barely noticable at first, but if you happened to tune into Channel 4 Racing in May 2004, and then again in August, you would have been forgiven for thinking your TV was set to the wrong aspect ratio! Such was his gain in face size!
Faceache The first sign for John that something had gone amiss with his regime was when his regular morning exercises were impossible due to the pain he was in. "I'd been using an illegal jaw clamp to stretch my face, and I got impatient and ramped it up to maximum pull" explains the man himself. "Then, before I knew it, I was in the middle of a particularly exciting interview with Frankie Dettori, and my jaw just locked open!"
John was stuck like this for months
'Face' the Facts, John! Due to his overambitious - and dangerous - exercises, John's face had started to expand faster than his skull could cope with! If this, or anything similar, happens to you, for God's sake stop any facial enhancement program you may be on and consult a doctor! John's getting back to normal now, but he still looks like an utter prick in photos due to his mouth lolling open like that.
You look ridiculous anyway "I got sick of the barman in my local asking 'Why the long face?'" wails John. I thought a long face was something to be attained - at any cost. From now on, I'm just going to be happy with fat cheeks." Fat cheeks, like a greedy hamster with sideburns might have.